I’ve been thinking, obsessing about two things lately. The marathon and speaking at Breathe Now this weekend. Time has been at a minimum to focus on either of these, which has led me to obsess more.
The marathon is going to happen. After my long run yesterday i realized that the months of training have magically worked. Though running 30km is still incredibly tough, mostly playing the mental game, i finish and i can go about my normal day. The days of muscle aches and stomach trouble are behind me. My body is there.
Speaking at Breathe Now is an entirely different monkey. My mental health is great, better than i think it has ever been. I haven’t felt anywhere close to a mental crisis for years now. What i realize when challenged by something like speaking at a conference is that, perhaps, i haven’t changed so much as i have changed my life to match my weaknesses. Meaning, my social anxiety is still very much in play, i just don’t challenge it ever. I work, i run alone and i spend time with shane and the kids. I never do anything social. Conveniently, i am always working when any opportunity to be social comes up. Shane has adjusted his life so that he fills his need for social interaction without me. Healthy? I’m not sure, but it is working for me. I fill my need for interacting with people and making friendships solely online. When real time meetings of online people come up i am largely unavailable.
So, speaking at the conference has brought up a bunch of familiar feelings of dread for me. In preparing for this weekend a huge part of getting ready has been focused on preparing myself to do something that makes me very uncomfortable. All of this ties very neatly into my presentation, so in many ways my own anxiety about talking has given me something to talk about.
I hope to see some familiar faces this weekend, even just for something to distract me from myself.